Post by ajmays on Oct 25, 2023 14:46:57 GMT -5
I am new to this, but I have been praying about it for months and I have been doing my research, but I cannot seem to find a clear answer because my situation seems to be 'unconventional'.
I am 32 years old, and I rededicated my life to Jesus a few months ago. When I was 20 years old, I got married in a courthouse to a non-believer, more specifically a member of the Church of Latter-Day Saints. We struggled in our marriage, but we fought for each other for the first couple years, and I grew up a strong Christian, but ignorant. He tried to convert me and take me to his church, but I would not do it. Over time we started ignoring our religions altogether, he was in the military, and he was deployed. When he came back, I found out he had emotionally cheated on me with multiple women and then when he came home, he attempted to physically cheat with one of those girls, but I caught him before he could do so. I thought we worked through it, but his strange emotionally distant behavior continued, and I found out that he did cheat on me and being young and broken hearted I cheated on him. This situation came to a head and things got worse but again we did not divorce. Mostly because I was alone on the opposite side of the country with no family and no money, I felt I had no choice but to stay but I was isolated. He did not sign a new contract with the military, and he was getting out, so he said he wanted to move back to where our families were. I saw that as my opportunity to escape because it had been 3 years of us trying to make it work but we could not. I decided when we got back to our homes with our families I would ask for a divorce (which I had threatened a couple times before, but he said no or else he would hurt himself if I tried to leave him). I decided that I would not let it continue that way. Despite our extremely toxic and volatile relationship I felt an 'obligation' to perform my 'wifely duties' which led to me getting pregnant right about two months before we were supposed to move back. I moved back early to be with my mother and decided that for my daughter's sake I would try my hardest to make it work. Nothing changed, he barely showed up for appointments and had zero interest in being with her, so I drew the line when I found out he was STILL cheating when he promised to try to make it work with me for our daughter's sake. One last thing that made our relationship so toxic, is that every time I threatened to leave, he got 'physical' with me. Which made it all the more terrifying when I finally did kick him out of my mom's house (we were staying with her after my daughter was born and until he found a good job after getting out of the military). Things got scary and I could barely sleep between worrying about mine and my daughter's safety and her being only a few months old. I filed for divorce but after a very strange mediation (which is supposed to be a non-bias meeting so that terms of the divorce could be negotiated, but the mediator made it very clear that he was on my ex-husband's side) I was nervous to push the divorce forward for custody reasons. I filed in early 2017.
Here's where it gets complicated. I was working as a single mom with no help from him and he disappeared, I had contacted him a few times about spending time with his daughter but over time he just faded away. I had decided not to date and focus on myself, so I went back to college and got a job, and my mom helped me with babysitting, and I stayed with her while I was getting back on my feet. In October of 2018 I met the man of my dreams, and I took a chance and started dating him. After we both started feeling more seriously about each other I explained to him my martial situation. He was calm and understanding about it. A year later he asked me to marry him, and I said yes but that I could not risk my daughter's safety so I could not finish filing for divorce until I knew she would be safe. So, we basically moved in together and we lived together like we were already married. Some things happened with our living situation so we agreed that I should move out for a bit so he could make some house repairs and I would stay with my mom for a while after asking her if it was okay. A few months later I started going to church and I found Jesus again. Which lead my fiancé to finding Him as well. We both had a change of heart and we confessed to each other that we were born again, and we needed to make some life changes. Since then, I have had a lot of questions about our future and normally I find the answers through prayer and meditation on the Word. My fiancé and I started having problems and he confessed it was because I was still technically married that bothered him immensely. And since being born again I had a new worry about when I filed for divorce if my ex-husband would try to convert her like he did to me when we were first married and that immediately terrified me. I told myself that I would not risk her salvation and her safety, because the Lord put me in charge of caring for her because she is His first and then mine. So long story long, here is my question:
Could I possibly be married to my fiancé in God's eyes without having to officially divorce my ex-husband through the courts?
I have done the research, divorce is only condoned in the cases of sexual immorality, which applies in my case. But I have heard of marriages that people have where it is not official through the court system. In the Word, God talks about marriage conditions being the confession or covenant of faithfulness to their partner and to Jesus in the presence of the Lord, and consummation of the marriage. There are instances in the bible where there were not big ceremonies, such as Isaac and Rebekah whom only 'entered a tent and came out married'. I know that in my heart I could never love another man the way I love this man and my feelings for my ex-husband died before we even filed for divorce, so my heart is 100% faithful, and he already feels like my husband in my heart.
Can I be married to him in the eyes of the Lord without finalizing my divorce through the courts and risking my daughter's salvation and safety?
*I'd be happy to answer any other questions. I tried to eliminate the need by explaining as much as I could, but I still feel like there are holes that could be filled in. I've been wrestling with this for a while now and feel the need to ask for insight from other believers in the hopes that God will lead me in the right direction. I appreciate your time and consideration.
I am 32 years old, and I rededicated my life to Jesus a few months ago. When I was 20 years old, I got married in a courthouse to a non-believer, more specifically a member of the Church of Latter-Day Saints. We struggled in our marriage, but we fought for each other for the first couple years, and I grew up a strong Christian, but ignorant. He tried to convert me and take me to his church, but I would not do it. Over time we started ignoring our religions altogether, he was in the military, and he was deployed. When he came back, I found out he had emotionally cheated on me with multiple women and then when he came home, he attempted to physically cheat with one of those girls, but I caught him before he could do so. I thought we worked through it, but his strange emotionally distant behavior continued, and I found out that he did cheat on me and being young and broken hearted I cheated on him. This situation came to a head and things got worse but again we did not divorce. Mostly because I was alone on the opposite side of the country with no family and no money, I felt I had no choice but to stay but I was isolated. He did not sign a new contract with the military, and he was getting out, so he said he wanted to move back to where our families were. I saw that as my opportunity to escape because it had been 3 years of us trying to make it work but we could not. I decided when we got back to our homes with our families I would ask for a divorce (which I had threatened a couple times before, but he said no or else he would hurt himself if I tried to leave him). I decided that I would not let it continue that way. Despite our extremely toxic and volatile relationship I felt an 'obligation' to perform my 'wifely duties' which led to me getting pregnant right about two months before we were supposed to move back. I moved back early to be with my mother and decided that for my daughter's sake I would try my hardest to make it work. Nothing changed, he barely showed up for appointments and had zero interest in being with her, so I drew the line when I found out he was STILL cheating when he promised to try to make it work with me for our daughter's sake. One last thing that made our relationship so toxic, is that every time I threatened to leave, he got 'physical' with me. Which made it all the more terrifying when I finally did kick him out of my mom's house (we were staying with her after my daughter was born and until he found a good job after getting out of the military). Things got scary and I could barely sleep between worrying about mine and my daughter's safety and her being only a few months old. I filed for divorce but after a very strange mediation (which is supposed to be a non-bias meeting so that terms of the divorce could be negotiated, but the mediator made it very clear that he was on my ex-husband's side) I was nervous to push the divorce forward for custody reasons. I filed in early 2017.
Here's where it gets complicated. I was working as a single mom with no help from him and he disappeared, I had contacted him a few times about spending time with his daughter but over time he just faded away. I had decided not to date and focus on myself, so I went back to college and got a job, and my mom helped me with babysitting, and I stayed with her while I was getting back on my feet. In October of 2018 I met the man of my dreams, and I took a chance and started dating him. After we both started feeling more seriously about each other I explained to him my martial situation. He was calm and understanding about it. A year later he asked me to marry him, and I said yes but that I could not risk my daughter's safety so I could not finish filing for divorce until I knew she would be safe. So, we basically moved in together and we lived together like we were already married. Some things happened with our living situation so we agreed that I should move out for a bit so he could make some house repairs and I would stay with my mom for a while after asking her if it was okay. A few months later I started going to church and I found Jesus again. Which lead my fiancé to finding Him as well. We both had a change of heart and we confessed to each other that we were born again, and we needed to make some life changes. Since then, I have had a lot of questions about our future and normally I find the answers through prayer and meditation on the Word. My fiancé and I started having problems and he confessed it was because I was still technically married that bothered him immensely. And since being born again I had a new worry about when I filed for divorce if my ex-husband would try to convert her like he did to me when we were first married and that immediately terrified me. I told myself that I would not risk her salvation and her safety, because the Lord put me in charge of caring for her because she is His first and then mine. So long story long, here is my question:
Could I possibly be married to my fiancé in God's eyes without having to officially divorce my ex-husband through the courts?
I have done the research, divorce is only condoned in the cases of sexual immorality, which applies in my case. But I have heard of marriages that people have where it is not official through the court system. In the Word, God talks about marriage conditions being the confession or covenant of faithfulness to their partner and to Jesus in the presence of the Lord, and consummation of the marriage. There are instances in the bible where there were not big ceremonies, such as Isaac and Rebekah whom only 'entered a tent and came out married'. I know that in my heart I could never love another man the way I love this man and my feelings for my ex-husband died before we even filed for divorce, so my heart is 100% faithful, and he already feels like my husband in my heart.
Can I be married to him in the eyes of the Lord without finalizing my divorce through the courts and risking my daughter's salvation and safety?
*I'd be happy to answer any other questions. I tried to eliminate the need by explaining as much as I could, but I still feel like there are holes that could be filled in. I've been wrestling with this for a while now and feel the need to ask for insight from other believers in the hopes that God will lead me in the right direction. I appreciate your time and consideration.
